I want to remember the good times in my life and the times that I really struggled. When I struggle I know God changes me, my heart changes and I see life differently. I don't know anyone that likes the struggle or the never ending storm. The pain of going through something that scares you but not for the reasons you may think but for reasons that don't make sense. Why God?? Why are you allowing this and why would anyone want to be a christian if you would allow such pain to come to ones life. I haven't even been really able to talk about everything we have gone through staring this spring. We were hit with big storms in Houston which damaged our house. It is stressful and not being able to relax in your home is so unsettling. It's been a pain and to this day I'm still living in a construction zone, but we have progress. I do feel God really used this for me to more grateful for the home He has given us. I like things in order and would often complain over superficial details without giving thanks. It's embarrassing how quickly our hearts can change when enough is never enough. It's been a butt kicking for sure! I have had friends over and finally accepted that trying to make it look like I have it all together lie was just that. Now it's almost freeing that life doesn't have to be perfect to beautiful. During this same time Drew was sick for over a month. He missed several days of school and was not getting better. Rob and I took him to the ER twice with a multitude of tests with nothing significant showing up. I don't think anything is worse then not knowing what is wrong and Dr's not really taking anything serious. It's really frustrating because I am the one at home taking care of my sick son day and night with him not having any will to play or be himself. I know that he has a serious condition but it's just kind of like we treat the symptoms but he looks great. It's just such a horrible place to be, when you worry each day about the dreaded phone call from school when he finally tries to make it. I worried about his grades and him being okay psychologically, and taking care of my other kids. Lauren was on swim team and only one of us could go for weeks to her meets because of this. It's hard to be present mentally when your worried sick but trying to hold back the pain and stay strong. He is just a boy, a sweet smart kind boy, but why God?? Why does he suffer, my heart could cry a thousand tears over the injustice. He was put back on steroids to calm things down and it defiantly helped him feel better. With this helpful medicine comes bad side effects that a kid can't understand. What do I do when my son says I am going to look so fat and feels guilt because he knows that his illness is causing an uproar that defiantly takes it's toll on us. I also carry guilt of not being able to pay as much attention to Jaden and Lauren when Drew is so sick. Having a chronic illness in your family is like all of us having it because it changes and affects each one of us differently. People say you shouldn't feel guilty but it's impossible not to want to make it all better as a mother. It is just so hard to praise God for His Goodness and have the words to Pray when I just sometimes could only cry or say nothing. I know He hears me...His ways are not ours and that is hard to accept. When I heard Thy Will Be Done song on the radio I just stopped and it brought me peace. I heard it a few months ago and at that moment in my car I felt His presence.
A couple weeks ago Drew had to go in for a MRI to follow up form the previous months issues. Everything was going well. He even drank his contrast perfect and his IV went smooth but as I waited in the waiting room with the other two kids I never imagined what would happen next. Rob went back with him because sometimes all this medical stuff gets to me and I can't always be strong and need a break. The nurse came out and got me, I thought he was done. He wasn't, he was moved to the ER after a life threatening reaction to the dye contrast. Rob said it was like a scene from a movie with Dr's calling out numbers and running frantically to help him. Thankfully within a few hours we went home and he was okay but I just think God are you there?? Out of all the kids in the world you must have a big testimony for this one. I hope and pray I can come back and read this one day and read about Your plans and miracles in his life. As I look at this sweet child that loves the Lord I think what Faith he has. He is going to use all of this he says to help others. Why are Gods plans so painful but yet beautiful. He takes the pain and heartache to shape this beautiful plan. When I look at the depth of how He has transformed our life and marriage it is only God who could make me at times be thankful for hard times. I know that we are nothing without his Mercy and Goodness. Even in these bad times He has showed me that He cares for us. Drew didn't die from the allergic reaction, nor the chron's stomach issues and I had friends step in to check on us and prayer warriors show up at my front door. God you are good. Today Drew played tennis with energy and happiness he hugged me and told me how much he loved me. Even in children's lives God uses these hard times for them to grow and understand that He has a bigger plan. Saying all this we watched Miracles From Heaven this weekend. The movie resonated on so many levels with us. It was almost our life, the good times, the pain the heartache. A few times the tears just came. Drew had a hard time watching a few parts because he has felt a lot of what this girl has felt. The movie is worth watching and very emotional but I felt joy and reassurance of God's goodness.
It's been a tough few months for us but I feel like God has used this time, to grow our faith and for our kids to see why family is so important. That all these issue with our house, and health and the world are nothing compared to the promise of heaven that is to come. It's been very emotional and sad with the violence in our country. The hate, the divide brought on by so many. The innocence of children growning up without dads pointlessly. I just don't know how we all can continue with this sadness. I keep telling the kids that we need to look for the good because there is a lot more of that. To not waste their time trying to feel fulfilled through others opinions of them and to let their lights shine. No one has the answers to all these issues but I do know that their is a spiritual battle that is happing bigger then any of us can see. Please Lord come quick!